Leary of You

I had a dream last night that I had to write and record a gender-bending rendition of "Summer nights" from Grease for Britney Spears. She was going to be Danny and I was Sandy.

I am supposed to write a joke for her near the end so she can segue right into a plug for her new album. So I wrote a clever little joke for her (so clever in fact that I never actually heard it in the dream, or remember it, for that matter).

So…we do the performance, and everyone just loves it. I mean, it’s Grease, for god’s sake…the audience goes wild…the whole number has been pre-recorded so all we have to do is lip sync in a convincing way. What can possibly go wrong? We get to the end…to the "joke" I’ve written for her…and the plug for her new CD…and she’s CHANGED IT WITHOUT CONSULTING ME. Instead, she says:

"Mommy Britney’s breasts are SO big and soft that I should work for Cottonnell! MMMMMMMM! So…are you gonna buy my new record ?!?!?!"

Silence. A few chuckles and a LOT of open mouth stares.

Britney contines the end of the number, like I had recorded it and we head offstage. In passing, she says to me, "You were a little flat on one of those last notes…" She was right. In the anguished moments following her toilet paper tits comment, I was stunned and extremely distracted. Forgetting altogether that the grease track has been PRE-RECORDED I started to sing live. Without a microphone, mind you…so only Britney heard my ONE FLAT NOTE. The entire STADIUM, however, heard her ridiculous "Mommy Britney has big boobs" statement. And her mixing of the 1st and the 3rd persons (Mommy Brtiney …..I….)

I was so UPSET! This was fool proof! Britney Spears + Grease medley = Slam Dunk Entertainment!

I think its so strange that the pope has to pick a new name when he becomes pope.

I just got my first "official" contract as an Actor’s Equity member and I needed to very that my name was still available: Joe Leary. It was. And it got me thinking about the pope and his magic name change. Doesn’t it seem just a little theatrical? I can’t say that I’m against it. In fact, I wish that it was more common place. What if the president had to do that? And George W Bush had to pick a one-word name to symbolize his presidency?

Dumbo XXI

Shamu IV

So…I’m finally getting my equity card. The show is "Farm boys" at the History Theatre in St Paul. I half-wish my first "professional" gig didn’t sound like gay soft-porn. But, life is funny that way. Speaking of…do porn actors have a union? If so, what is it called?

LUBE: League Union of Bawdy Entertainers

The CLAPP: Collective League of Adult Porn Performers

OrGaSM: Organization of Gay Sex Megastars

I had a dream last week that Dolly Parton called me to say "Happy Thanksgiving" and that she had seen the photos of our house remodel project and she thought they were just beautiful. "That’s what Thanksgiving is for: gathering together with those you love in a beautiful home. That’s what its all about." I told her thank you and that I was stunned that she called me. I asked her how she got my cell phone number. And she said "That’s what she does sometimes. Call her fans and wish them well."